replacethexanax - Selfish, Petty, Bullshit

October 27th, 2008

October 27th, Really?  I find it hard to believe that it is the end of October already.  I mean, where the hell did September go?  I have come to the sad realization that life, as I know it, has stopped.  Life is on pause.  It is halted.  Life is at half-time, and I am on the sidelines carrying those huge numbers that tell you what quarter it is.  *the football has no real relevance, or does it?*  Life, to me has really not been lived for the last 2 months.  How is it the end of October?  Seriously, can someone tell me how that happened?  And even more so, can someone tell me what I've done with my life over the past 2 months?  Because, seriously, I haven't been spending my time living my life - that is for sure.

I guess life truly does go on.  That old cliche' - where I half expect "Oh blah dee, oh blah dah" to start playing somewhere - Life DOES go on.  But, heres the thing...How does it go on, with me IN IT?  In the moment, in the life?  My life has certainly gone on, this I know from the date on the calender.  I am still here, and living my life, and the days are going by, however freakishly fast - life IS going on.  But, my question is - how do I get to actually be involved in my life, as it does go on?  If you are finding these words confusing, it is ok, because I am confused as I write them.  My life has gone on - without her in it - but I haven't been living my life.  My life, as I know it, is still in August.  Is still going out over the week(s) before and after my birthday, for drinks.  My life is still spent anxiety-ridden over the new semester about to start.  My life is still at the peak of excitement as far as the summer goes, because Grant Fest is coming up.  I still have the outfit picked out in my mind for Grant Fest.  I was even going to paint my toenails to match it.  I am still wearing flip-flops and being so estatic that my classes are over for the summer, and I get a good 2 weeks to enjoy it.  I never did make it to Grant Fest though.  Sadly, I can honestly admit remembering being so annoyed that I would possibly miss it.  The one thing that I had been looking forward to all summer, and there was a possibility of missing it.  I did miss it.  I had to go to Pittsburgh for the weekend.  I had to go see my dying sister and miss Grant Fest.  I am totally ok with the whole missing Grant Fest thing...it's the dying sister part that I am nowhere near OK with!!! 

My sister dies on August 30th, and here it is almost 2 whole Months later - and where am I?  Where is my life?  What the hell am I doing?  I get up and out of bed (barely) everyday.  I take a shower everyday (for the most part) I brush my teeth everyday (sometimes not before bed anymore though) I go to class on the nights that I have class (although I would rather be at home on my couch) I hang out with friends and family (even though I have a hole in my heart the size of her) I basically do all of the things that any normal person would do.  But what has happened over the past 2 months, I will never understand.  I don't know what this whole experience is going to do - I'm told, and I try to believe that there will be some good to come out of it...but when is that part going to kick in?  Where IS the good?  I'm sorry, but this is what I find myself doing.  Living my life (or lack thereof) and wondering where the good is. 

For the longest time (well, at least in the past 2 months) I had a sense of excitement about me.  Maybe excitement isn't the right word.  My sister died for crying out loud, there was no excitement.  But, I have found myself to be anxious about something.  Not necessarily a bad anxious either.  Do you know how when you are looking forward to something, and you are really excited about this something, and at times, you forget about it, but you still have that crazy, fun, anxious feeling about something, and are more than excited when you stop to remember what that something is - and you are in the end, even more excited about it?  All of that, in a nutshell, is how I've found myself feeling these last 2 months of non-living.  Maybe my feelings come back to the fact that I am still waiting.  I am waiting on the good.  I am waiting on the 'up-side'.  I am waiting for something really really great to happen, because we deserve it after dealing with such trauma from her death.  Certainly Something good is going to come out of this.  We can't just deal with all that we've been dealing with, just for nothing.  Maybe I am looking for a payback?  Maybe I am wondering when it will be justified.  Nothing could ever justify it though - so maybe that is not the word.  Maybe I am trapped in my lifeless world, wondering when everything will be ok again.  Maybe I am living my life in complete denial, waiting for it all to be a big joke, a dream.  Dude, am I being PUNKED? 

I just want the good.  I'm sorry to sound selfish, but after all of this.  I want the good!  When will the good come?  Has it come and I am just too blind to it.  I want God to be glorified through all of this, and I know in many ways He has been.  But, where is the good for us?  I am psyched for God to get the glory, that is awesome.  I know that ultimately, He is in control.  But, I can't help but wonder when WE are going to be good again?  Will we?  Will I ever live my life again?  Will my dad ever smile (genuinely) again?  Will my mom ever heal from her broken heart?  Will my sister and I ever write a book?  Will I ever get to the point where I can wake up and be ready to face the day, head-on?  Will I ever not want to stay in bed all day long?  Will I ever get back on my diet (that I was kicking ass with before she went and died!)? 

Do I need to accept the fact that sometimes things happen in this world that maybe Won't turn into good?  Because of the world that we live in - are there circumstances that just happen, and don't necessarily reveal ANY kind of good?  Where are the good things?  I wish I could see them.  I wish I knew that my sister died for some kind of good.  For some purpose that we didn't understand at the time.  I long for that "a-ha" feeling.  Of knowing, 'ok this is why we had to lose her'.  I want God to be glorified, I really do.  But somehow, I feel, if I could just see the good that has come out of it, I would feel a hell of a lot better.

I guess, for the first time in my life, the glass is half empty.  Hell, it might as well not even have anything in it at all.

I don't know what I want.  Call me selfish, call me a brat, call me whatever you feel like calling me.  I just want to live.  I want my family to be put back together again.  I want my dad to laugh.  I want her to laugh.  I don't want to have to pick out headstones.  I don't want her shoes anymore, she should have them back.  I don't want to go through anymore of her stuff without her permission.  I don't want to feel the doubling over pain in my stomach when I think about her.  I don't want to see my parents in so much pain.  I am so annoyed with myself, I don't even want to write about her at all anymore.  Damnit, if she were just here, I wouldn't have to.