replacethexanax - Want...It's a Powerful Thing

It is difficult for me to remember a time in my life when I've ever wanted something so badly.  If I let my mind wander and search, in just the right places, I can possibly come up with a few significant times - like for example, when I was younger and really into riding horses, I thought that my world, as I knew it would come crashing down around me if I didn't get the 'outfit' for riding english.  I so wanted the whole get-up.  The breeches, the boots, the helmet, the gloves, the crop...everything, the whole deal.  I wanted to look the part as much as be the part.  My passion was so strong for riding, I can even remember I used to sit on the corner of my bed, and pretend it was a horse, (naturally with my entire outfit on), I had two jump ropes tied together so that they would be long enough to pull up from underneath the bed post to use as reins, and practice posting and two-point.  For hours upon end, I would shut myself in my room and let my imagination run wild on my horse, "Character's Dream" was her name. 

When I had dreams, night after night about going to Houghton College, I thought that my every piece of existence might fade away, if I did not get accepted.  I especially HAD TO go there, when I found out that incoming freshman received a laptop computer (included in tuition of course) their first term.  I am not able to find words to describe the desire I had to go there.  As one can imagine, my heart was broken when I did not get accepted for enrollment.  My heart was at Houghton, so going to another college at the time was simply out of the question.

Once again, if I sat here long enough, and allowed my mind to ponder different times, and different circumstances, of want, longing, desire - I'm confident that I could come up with pages of things.  In life, it is natural to want, I suppose.  Everybody wants.  Each and every one of us can say that at some point in our lives, we have wanted something so badly, that we actually ached for it.  It is a natural part of life, here on this earth. 

Although there have been some things in my life that I have wanted so very badly, some I was blessed enough to get, some I went without, and was completely fine in the long run.  I have never wanted anything more than what I want right now.  I want my sister back.

There is nothing I can do or say to get her back.  There are no amount of extra chores I can do to cross my fingers and hope that it is enough to get my wish.  There is no amount of money that I can earn to save up for this.  There are no line long enough to have to wait in to cover this one.  There are not enough stars in the sky to fall so that I may have the wish I wish tonight.  No amount of time or energy or patience can eventually give me this.  Nothing.  There is absolutely nothing that I can do to get her back.  Nothing.

Her death is hitting me more and more.  I feel as though I have a concrete block weighing six times her size sitting right on my chest.  Sometimes I have nothing to do, say or feel, except let out a brief and tiny whimper.  I am feeling the loss more and more as the minutes turn to hours and the days turn to weeks.  I am slowly coming out of my numb stage a little more each day.  I liked it better when I was emotionless.  I felt guilty, yes - I wanted to feel something, anything!  I didn't want to accept the fact that my emotions, or lack thereof were going to be in a constant state of denial and calm.  But I changed my mind.  I want that back.  I want her back.  If I can't have her back, I want the numbness back.  I can't breathe normally with the heaviness of this loss.  I can't function normally with this pit of despair I tend to be stuck in, trying to claw my way out.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that I will never know what it feels like to be Me again.  I am scared that I will never be normal again.  I am scared that I will never be able to feel like Cindy again.  I am afraid that I lost me.  I think I'm mostly afraid that - I died with her.

I want her back. 

I want that more than anything I have ever wanted in my whole life.  More than a Punky Brewster doll - more than riding pants, more than Houghton College, more than anything - I just want her back.