replacethexanax - Love Letter

I would have told you how much I loved you, so much more!  I would have made sure that you knew exactly how I felt about you - good and bad.  I would have made you believe in yourself more.  I would have shown yourself - to yourself - through the eyes of me.  I would have given the world to you, had I been able to get it.  I would have never left you hanging.  I would have never ignored some of your texts.  I would have always turned to you FIRST.  I would have constantly wanted YOUR approval, instead of you always needing mine.  I would have bitch-slapped him for you.  I would have pulled strings for you.  I would have loved you more than you ever knew I could.  I would have died for you.

I wish I knew for sure - that you knew.  I wish I had the peace of mind - that you KNEW.  I wish I could have felt what it felt like to be you, if only for just one second.  I wish I understood you better.  I wish I would have listened to you more.  I mean, really listened!  I wish I could have been there for you more.  I wish I could have gotten over my petty shit long enough to hear you.  I wish I could have heard you.  I wish I would have known what you were saying.  I wish I would have supported you more.  I wish I would have just freakin listened to you.  I wish I knew that you knew.  I wish I knew that you could tell.  I wish I knew that you were well aware of how much I loved you.  I would have died for you.

I could have been a better sister.  I could have done so much more for you.  I could have given you the kind of support you always reached out to get.  I could have given you my instant approval, even when I felt you didn't deserve it.  I could have been there.  I could have done so much more for you.  I could have not judged you so much.  I could have been less annoyed by you.  I could have been not so frustrated with you, all of the time.  I could have done things for you so that I knew that you knew.  I could have payed more attention to you.  I could have been a dork with you more.  I could have quoted more movies with you.  I could have listened to what you were saying more - rather than only hearing what I thought you were saying.  I could have done more to try to improve your situation.  I could have insisted that you live on my couch.  I could have accepted you for who you were more.  I would have died for you.

If only I were as loyal as you.  If only I had the compassion and love that you had.  If only I saw the good in everyone like you.  If only I could have been more understanding like you.  If only I could have been as proud of you as you were of me.  If only I could look back and know for SURE, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you KNEW how much I loved you.  If only I could tell you.  If only I knew how to get word to you.  If only I could be in your heart for just one second.  If only I could reach out my arms to you now.  If only I were half of the person you were.  If only I could make you understand just how much you were loved.  If only you could see the depth of depair in my heart - because you are not there.  If only you knew how many times I've tried to text you random, dumb things.  If only you were still here!  If only I could have and would have died for you.

I'm sorry dear sister for what had to happen to you.  I'm sorry dear sister for not being there for you more.  I'm sorry dear sister for the pain you've had to endure - not just the last 2 weeks of your life, but your whole life.  I'm sorry dear sister that I never made sure you knew the depth of my love for you.  I'm sorry dear sister that you left and there was nothing I could about it.  I'm sorry dear sister that you struggled so much throughout your lifetime.  I'm sorry dear sister that you never felt as though you added up.  I'm sorry dear sister that you constantly ached for my approval and I rarely and selfishly gave it to you.  I'm sorry dear sister that our 'own little world' grew tiring for me.  I"m sorry dear sister that I was more often than not, annoyed by you.  I'm sorry dear sister that I didn't insist that you come live with me.  I'm sorry dear sister that you had to go through all of this.  I'm sorry dear sister for not making it a point, everyday, to tell you just how much I loved and appreciated you.  I'm sorry dear sister that I stopped calling YOU my best friend.  I'm sorry dear sister that there came a time that I didn't miss you when you were gone.  I'm sorry dear sister that I never told you how I felt about you.  I'm sorry dear sister that I let you down.  I'm sorry dear sister that I was and never would have been the sister to you that you have been to me.  I'm sorry dear sister that my self-righteousness got in the way most of the time.  I'm sorry dear sister that you never had it in you to slap me and put me in my place.  I'm sorry dear sister that I would always try to see how far I could push you until you snapped.  I'm sorry dear sister that you NEVER snapped.  I'm sorry dear sister that you didnt' feel strong enough to tell me to shut the hell up.   I'm sorry dear sister that you were afraid to tell me about Mark.  I'm sorry dear sister that I didn't tell you more how much I loved you.  I'm sorry dear sister that you left this earth not knowing how much I looked up to you.  I'm sorry dear sister for growing weary with you.  I'm sorry dear sister for being angry with you.  I'm sorry dear sister that all I wanted was a "big sister".  I'm sorry dear sister that I couldn't have just heard you.  I'm sorry dear sister that you had to fight for everything in your life.  I'm sorry dear sister that I couldn't trade places with you.  I'm sorry dear sister that I am here and you died.  I'm sorry dear sister I could't die in your place.  I'm sorry dear sister. 

I Love You