replacethexanax - What is it all Worth?

 When is enough - enough?  How is it that we can go through our whole lives and not ever figure out the answer to that one question?  The way we treat people.  The way people treat us.  The everyday situations in which life throws our way.  When can we say when?  How can someone determine the point of fullfilling their duty as a friend?  Why must we always give way too much, not even expecting a thing back, and then you just wind up being so completely drained?  Is it worth it?  At the end of the day, IS IT WORTH IT?  Is the fact of knowing that you have been there for someone, and may have helped someone through something, really worth it?  What does it do for you, Really?  Sure, you feel good about your selflessness giving of your time and energy, and you have a little more hope for human-kind all over the world.  You rest your head at night with the thoughts that because of you, someone else is in a much better place than they were a day ago.  You take on this feeling of victory over the masses and feel as though every fiber of your being is validated - other than all of this, IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?  What does it do for you, honestly?  

It does not a god damned thing, thats what!

Being the type of person who can just totally remove themselves, physically, emotionally, mentally, is the person that I, as we speak, am trying to become.  I hate to admit this, and for it I must apologize.  But I just can't do it any longer.  The fuzzy feelings, and the kind-heartedness, and the feeling of knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you would get the best friend award....fuck all of those.

Why would you want to continue down this path of selflessness and duty to others?  You really Don't expect anything in return!  Or do you?  For me - I would say, no, I do not expect anything in return, per sa...I DO however expect some kind of RESPECT and kindness.  Just because someone feels as though they've got this life's calling to 'be there for other people' - although moreso a curse than a calling - doesn't mean that said person is any different from anyone else.  The rules STILL apply to said person!  They still need respect, and kindness, and love, and caring as well.  They are not exempt from the ways of friendship.  They are NOT to be taken for granted, just because it is so easy to do so!  

Bullshit.  It is all bullshit.  

Sitting here shaking as said person writes this - it is almost anger to the point of shoving a finger down said person's throat and forcing oneself to vomit.  Just to try something.  Anything.  To purge oneself of ANY FEELINGS WHATSOEVER.  Why would you want to truly care about something anyway?  Why would you want to put all of that energy into something?  Something that goes about their business, not even taking into consideration for one fucking minute that - HEY - this person deserves a break!  This person deserves to be respected.  This person, yes, has been great, - but maybe it is time to cut the fucking cord and let this person deal with their own life!!!!!

If in the end, it doesn't get you anywhere by being there for people, then why would you do it in the first place?  And, does this go to show that maybe you DO expect something in return - even without realizing it.  What is it really that you expect back?  You can spend days upon days counting the number of times you've been there for someone else.  But how many days would it take to count how many times you've actually been there for Yourself?

How can you Be There for other people when you don't even give yourself the time to repsect and care for yourself?  How can you possibly be a good friend, when at the end of the day, you're not even a good friend to yourself?  How is it, Said Person, you can believe with everything you've got in you that it is all worth it - when you don't even have one spare minute to consider yourself?  Again, where does it become just selfish?  What is the line?  Where do we draw it?  WHAT ARE THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS?  Because, Damnit, I need them, now!