replacethexanax - I'd like to Introduce Myself to - Myself ...

The thought occurred to me today - "Who is it, Really, that I am living for?"  I'm afraid dear brothers and sisters that I cannot answer that question, as it is something that I fear changes from one day to the next.  The term 'living for' may be a tad dramatic, but when you stop to consider this, you are left with that really being the only way to ask.  WHO am I living for?  WHAT am I living for?  

I see this going further into my realm of understanding if I break it apart, piece by piece.  

If we are to be living for others, does that not ultimately set us up for failure?  It would be impossible to live for each and every person that comes along in your life.  Parents, siblings, friends, teachers, lovers, - and the list goes on.  If we are indeed in a place of trying to figure it out really, who it is that we are; how can we possibly get to the core of that being?  When we are faced with feeling as though we need to live our lives, OUR lives, for the people we have in them, how can we then grasp the deeper understanding of who we are?  Say for example, I feel as though I need to live my life according to my parents expectations.  My parents, make no mistake, are the most important people in my life, and they are a treasure to be adored.  But, let's say for example, I feel as though I need to live my life according to what they say.  How can one possibly come to the place of self-realization and understanding, when forced to conform to a life all together Not Their Own?  How am I supposed to be there for other people and have the ability to give good sound advise, when in fact, it is the very same advise that remains ignored?  How is one supposed to go through their life, living for themselves, and striving for success and clarity in self-awareness, when they don't even know how to be all of the things the people in their lives unintentionally force them to be?  The things that other people cause you to fall into.  The things people 'expect' from us.  The things that we fall short on because we simply were not aware it was that which we were supposed to be that day.  How can one search their soul when all the things in it are just 'knock-offs' to the real things?  When you go through your life living for other people, the things that remain instilled into your soul are things of the other people.  They are not thoughts created of your own.  They are not ideas and expectations and morals that you can call your own.  You, in general are not 'you' -  you are who they have created you to be - and you allowed this to take place for your whole entire life.  How will you ever know your own true feelings from someone elses?  At the end of the day, who is it - really - that we are living for?

With that being said, there to me, is really only one way to remedy this situation.  Although it is one of which that falls into the category of - 'it's been this way for so long, how can it possibly change now?'.  I look at it like a lie.  At first, it just starts out as an innocent little white lie.  Not a problem.  Especially when told to prevent someone else's pain.  But then a small innocent white lie then needs to be covered up by another little lie.  You know the story, you know the end result.  I'm sure your Mothers have said to you "oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive"...This is sort of how our lives go from being ours to being someone else's.  How can we possibly change it now?  When we've already put so much emphasis on being selfless and genuine.  It really has nothing to do with lies whatsoever.  The amount of effort it takes, and the amount of thought it takes, and the amount of mental energy it takes - to keep a lie going - is in the end not even worth telling the lie to begin with.  Therefore, if we are going to live our lives for anybody other than ourselves, the end result is that of which a lie creates.  All of the effort to keep it going - i.e. that same amount of effort must go into living your life the way everyone expects you to be living.  At fault of no one  but yourself - for it was you that allowed these expectations to be set.  

Honesty.  It all comes full circle to honesty.  Not always easiest at the time - but well worth it in the end.  This is what I am personally trying to figure out currently.  My life is not one big lie, mind you - it is just not exactly lived for Me.  Where is the line?  What is being heathy and what is just being selfish?  This is the problem with pondering each and every aspect of your life.  Where does it end?  Will I turn into a self-loathing, yet the most selfish person on the face of the planet?  How do I keep the things I want to remain, and get rid of the things that are not truly mine?  Where is the road map for that kind of removal?  Is it possible to stay true to yourself and who you are - with the purging of unwanted chaos in your life?  Or are these the things that have in fact, made you who you are today?  But then again - when faced with the reality that maybe it hasn't necessarily been for You that you've been living; how do you know who's word is who's?  Who's thought is who's?  Who's morals are who's?  Who's passion is who's?

I long for a world of my own.  A world that has no hidden agenda's, no unspoken expecations, no disappointments, no wondering whether you are being true to yourself.  A world that I can be myself, and speak my mind, and be loved anyway.  A world that I will for the first time in my life be able to say "I am who I am".  I Am the Real Deal - I just have to wander around all of the extra bullshit to get to the true core of that deal.  I have to first trace each and every line, each and every thread of my being to then uncover the very fibers of this tapestry - Myself.  

Looking forward to meeting you.