replacethexanax - The Answer IS In The Question...

 As we go on about our day to day lives, and wander through all of the experiences life tends to give us, I find myself wondering; "Do we really get out of life, as much as we put in it?"  This is something that has caused much chaos in my nearly completely drained mind.  All of the things that matter, do they really matter at all?  And who's job is it to determine that?  Do the things that matter to me, really matter to anyone else?  Or am I just a lost soul, wandering around, wondering if the thought process that goes through my mind, daily, really is one huge waste of time?  

I think of it as a 'job well done'.  You know the type.  Whether you are working towards a personal goal, or an academic goal, or something for work; generally speaking, you get out of it what you put into it, right?  So, why is it that some things in life aren't that kind to you.  If you pour your heart and soul into something, anything, shouldn't you be rewarded - consistently - for your passion, or drive, or kindness?  My whole life, what I've been forced to realize, I have done everything 'half-assed', I have skated though, gotten by, barely made it - this is my own cross to bare.  Yet, when it comes to the daily things that you Do however, put your all into, you are left with wondering, 'are all of my efforts really worth it in the end?'  

Coming to this place in life is indeed soaked with uncertainties.  For me to delve into the subject and fully get out of it what I am trying to put into it, would be not far from dillusional.  What is it that I am trying to say?  For some people, lacking this self-exploratory drive, is definately in their favor.  The people who just 'do what they need to do to get by', and don't worry about the little things in life; in some ways they've got the upper hand.  There are times I find myself longing to be like them.  I would be lying if I said I'd never want to just worry about the things that I need to get done; above all else, putting myself first, and creating a life of productivity, drive, and self-worth.  I would prefer it this way sometimes.  However, my life, is not this way at all.  What seemingly fullfilling things I chose and chose not to do are the very things I'm not quite sure I understand.  

In a perfect world, I would know the answers to all of the countless questions that run through my mind.  But knowing all of the answers would just lead to fewer and fewer questions.  This reminds me of something a very wise man once told me.  I was searching for answers, and help in general, with women's literature I was reading.  He told me that good literature is of that which creates questions, not so much answers.  This concept remains true.  Where is the wonder?  Where is the thinking, and contemplating, and growing, that comes from knowing all of the answers?  I take that back, my world would Not be perfect if I knew all of the answers.  However, a perfect and harmonious world, in terms of me would consist of something else.  If only I had the perfect Questions - 

Have you ever shared a moment with someone else, any moment?  And with this moment you could safely say, you had a life-changing experience, or a mind altering realization.  It could be as simple as a friendly moment with someone whom you look up to very much.  Have you ever stopped to wonder if that person was as affected by this moment as you?  Consider yourself to be in a relationship - maybe you are already, maybe you are in between.  With that being said; have you ever found yourself wondering whether or not the other person thinks about you as much, as to the extend as you think about them?  Do you catch yourself daydreaming of this other person, in the most random moments throughout your day?  The very breath within you is caught in your throat, and you can't help but wonder if they are thinking of you at that exact moment?  The same goes with a friendship.  Have you ever found yourself so inspired, and so full of joy over a friendship?  You have to stop and wonder, does this friend treasure me as much as I treasure them?  Everyday moments like this, could possibly begin to explain my question of "do you get out of life what you put into it?".

This is not a sympathetic plea, or an urging for some self affirmation, just another random thought(s) on another ramdom day.  Take out of this what you may, if anything - but if nothing else, I'd like to leave you with this:  

Is life just one giant sized score card?  One giant evaluation?  Are we going through life on Purpose?  With every intention of making it count?  Or do we just take credit for the things we happen to stumble upon?  

-Again, no answers needed, just some Questions.