replacethexanax - I just want a little bit of Consistency...

 There is a pad lock on my brain today.  Certain responsibilities and priorities cause me to be paralyzed.  When faced with the urgency of my work, I am now back to being lethargic and careless.  How does one's momentum stall, and you feel as though, somehow, somewhere, someone took the track you were racing full speed on and destroyed it?  Right from under your feet.  The layers of myself are yet to be defined, which turns out is a lot more frustrating than one can imagine.  Have I held on too tightly?  Have I squeezed the life right out of the feelings I had?  I want so much.  To be through this time, and onto better and bigger possibilities is the main desire of my heart.  However, I would then be forced to miss the beautiful little things along the way.  Isn't that, in fact the whole purpose of the ride?  

Who am I kidding?  This is not me.  Why should one have to work so hard at something that they love?  Chalk it up to yet another realization.  Nothing feels right. Nothing seems to flow.  I can't break free from this one idea that haunts me day in and day out.  I might as well be bound and gagged.  What is it that I am trying to say?  Just fucking say it!  

What all of that mess boils down to, is that I have lost my drive.  Momentarily, I can only pray.  Where was the drive that I had just the other day?  Certainly I can't be that jaded?  Why are the very same images and thoughts that were so full of beauty and wonder, now just little annoyances that I can no longer relate to.  Where did it all go?  How can things change so quickly, so carelessly?  Without any thought what so ever?  I want that back, damnit.

What happened to yesterday?  When just by walking down the grass-covered sidewalk in that dreadful town, I was forced to stop and think about the stone wall that held someone's front yard upright?  Many thoughts went into that stone wall.  All cracked, looking almost completely dilapidated, so full of meaning and yet full of nothing at all.  But the thoughts, they were there.  It was habbit, did not have to be forced.  Little things like that, where did it all go?  

There are some days that I completely lack imagination.  This is disheartening to me.  I want it all back.  I want to see the world today the same as I saw it yesterday.  I want passion, I want wonder.  I want drive, I want discipline.  

Why do I find myself stalling?  I am only a procrastinator, trying to do what I do best.  But, why do I continue to do so when I have to work so hard at it?

This is not me.  This is not who I am.  I was this yesterday, and loving every minute of it.  This is exactly what I was most fearful of.  

Much reading to do now.  Journals to write.  Must force myself to use my time wisely.  How ironic.

Don't pay attention to me all of time.  Just listen to what I have to say, always!