replacethexanax - A Deeper Understanding of Real...

 The cruel reality has hit me full force.  Setting up this site was beneficial to me.  It is a new beginning, a fresh start, a way to reinvent my already clueless self.  I am lefted with the thinking that I really would like to stick to this.  My blogging/journal history goes as such:  I start a new one about once every other year.  I keep up with things great.  I meet a lot of new people.  I pour my heart and soul into this vast world of nothingness.  In my own head, it makes me feel better to roll with the thought that my voice is being heard and I actually have stuff to say.  I may be a little OCD, I tend to obsess over things for a time, and then in an instant, it's gone.  Forgotten.  Just another random site, random blog, random thoughts thrown out there for the whole world to see should they stumble upon.  Saying that this site will be different wouldn't necessarily be the whole truth.  

The reality of the situation is - It is Friday, thus another weekend full of school work and some squeezed in golf.  To manipulate my schedule as of late for anything other than the important priorities is just wishful thinking.  I have no computer at the moment in my free/non-work time.  Therefore I will not be back online until Monday.  I'm fearful that by then, this new crush of mine will be forgotten all about.  For once I would like to finish something I've started.  I would like to stick to something.  I would like my mind to stay focused on things and not wander around aimlessly like I am so used to it doing.  

Days and days of pointless chatter, and lingering bullshit have forced me to become jaded with the now, and intrigued with the possibilities of something different and new.  But this, as I know it, is my so-called-life.  It is a wonder I stay in relationships, friendships, although I can't say jobs, for as long as I do.  A.D.D. is probably too clinical and safe of a label to slap on myself.  It, I'm sure goes deeper than that, probably bordering the point of insanity most times.  Now is the time that I would normally start to go on and on about my life, so that people will be invited into it and know every little detail of myself.  Maybe this is my problem.  By opening up to the world immediately, and leaving no room for wonder.  I live by the declarative statement that "I am who I am", I strive to be as "real" as they come.  One of my favorite feelings in the world is when I hear people refer to me as "the real deal", or "what you see is what you get with her".  Although, I am not accusing myself of anything other than that, how can I truly know that I am 'the real deal', when I'm not even sure who it is that I am.  Isn't that what life is truly all about.  The wonder, and the endless questions, and the timeless efforts in trying to piece it all together and figure it out?  Questions I am not looking for answers to, just some thought.  

To wrap up, (maybe for the weekend, maybe forever, I can not be sure) to me, being the "real deal" and staying true to who you are, even if, in fact you have absolutely no bloody clue who that is - Staying honest, with yourself and everyone dwelling in your world, would be my idea of that reality.  Honesty - I can suppose - is the best that I can do.  I can honestly say, I haven't got a fucking clue who I am or what I am all about - But it is one of my missions in life to figure it out.  And have a lot of fun, and learn, and grow, and coexist beautifully along the way.  I may never figure it out and that is ok.  But when you strip yourself naked, and take a good long hard look at yourself, does anyone truly know?  Again, just another random thought thrown out there into the void.  

Maybe I'll be back, maybe I won't.  We shall see together.

In the meantime, I will leave you with this: Do the things in our life define who we are?  Or do we define ourselves by the things in our life?

Peace, thank you for listening