replacethexanax

 When you sit back and think about having a broken heart. . .one automatically thinks about broken relationships, lost lovers, and the people you love most letting you down.  Never do you enter into the rhelm of broken heartedness with thoughts of anything but these things.

I've come to realize that in an instant, even if everything else in your life is going according to plan; it is very possible to experience the worst form of a broken heart that has nothing to do with a significant other. 

The fear and anxiety that go along with this form of broken heart are almost too much to bare.  It takes the breath right out of your perfectly functioning lungs.  Your lungs - that are breathing for you, and working with your body as your life support.  Your lungs - that need not a machine of any kind to ensure your exsistance within this world.  Your fully functioning, non-machine lungs - feel like they are being squeezed and twisted and mashed up right in your chest.  With this form of heart break.  The anxiety doesn't help this, of course.  It is all you can do to control yourself and not tailspin into a world of panic attacks.  The air that is coming up through your throat gets trapped, and the fully functioning beating heart in your chest feels like it is about to come hurdling out of your body. 

You wish and pray, with everything you have within you that there was something, anything that you could do.  The hopeless feelings are far from tolerable.  If you could just switch places.  If it could be you.  If you could take your fully functioning and healthy body and swap it right out with this form of heart break - maybe, just maybe you would find some comfort.  If it could be you.  If you could just take on the burden and pain and make it your own - maybe the air that is being trapped in the back of your throat would have an easier way out. 

Wht can't it be me?  Why does it have to be her laying there fighting for her life?  I want it to be me.  I want her to wake up and have the health that I have.  I want her to see herself through the eyes of so many.  I want to take each and every issue she's got with herself and her health and make them my own.  I want her to know how much she is loved, and how much she is worth.  I want her to know, without a shadow of a doubt that I love her and that I would switch places with her in an instant.  In a machine-hooked-up-heartbeat - I want to take it from her and make it my own. 

The thought occurred to me today - "Who is it, Really, that I am living for?"  I'm afraid dear brothers and sisters that I cannot answer that question, as it is something that I fear changes from one day to the next.  The term 'living for' may be a tad dramatic, but when you stop to consider this, you are left with that really being the only way to ask.  WHO am I living for?  WHAT am I living for?  

I see this going further into my realm of understanding if I break it apart, piece by piece.  

If we are to be living for others, does that not ultimately set us up for failure?  It would be impossible to live for each and every person that comes along in your life.  Parents, siblings, friends, teachers, lovers, - and the list goes on.  If we are indeed in a place of trying to figure it out really, who it is that we are; how can we possibly get to the core of that being?  When we are faced with feeling as though we need to live our lives, OUR lives, for the people we have in them, how can we then grasp the deeper understanding of who we are?  Say for example, I feel as though I need to live my life according to my parents expectations.  My parents, make no mistake, are the most important people in my life, and they are a treasure to be adored.  But, let's say for example, I feel as though I need to live my life according to what they say.  How can one possibly come to the place of self-realization and understanding, when forced to conform to a life all together Not Their Own?  How am I supposed to be there for other people and have the ability to give good sound advise, when in fact, it is the very same advise that remains ignored?  How is one supposed to go through their life, living for themselves, and striving for success and clarity in self-awareness, when they don't even know how to be all of the things the people in their lives unintentionally force them to be?  The things that other people cause you to fall into.  The things people 'expect' from us.  The things that we fall short on because we simply were not aware it was that which we were supposed to be that day.  How can one search their soul when all the things in it are just 'knock-offs' to the real things?  When you go through your life living for other people, the things that remain instilled into your soul are things of the other people.  They are not thoughts created of your own.  They are not ideas and expectations and morals that you can call your own.  You, in general are not 'you' -  you are who they have created you to be - and you allowed this to take place for your whole entire life.  How will you ever know your own true feelings from someone elses?  At the end of the day, who is it - really - that we are living for?

With that being said, there to me, is really only one way to remedy this situation.  Although it is one of which that falls into the category of - 'it's been this way for so long, how can it possibly change now?'.  I look at it like a lie.  At first, it just starts out as an innocent little white lie.  Not a problem.  Especially when told to prevent someone else's pain.  But then a small innocent white lie then needs to be covered up by another little lie.  You know the story, you know the end result.  I'm sure your Mothers have said to you "oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive"...This is sort of how our lives go from being ours to being someone else's.  How can we possibly change it now?  When we've already put so much emphasis on being selfless and genuine.  It really has nothing to do with lies whatsoever.  The amount of effort it takes, and the amount of thought it takes, and the amount of mental energy it takes - to keep a lie going - is in the end not even worth telling the lie to begin with.  Therefore, if we are going to live our lives for anybody other than ourselves, the end result is that of which a lie creates.  All of the effort to keep it going - i.e. that same amount of effort must go into living your life the way everyone expects you to be living.  At fault of no one  but yourself - for it was you that allowed these expectations to be set.  

Honesty.  It all comes full circle to honesty.  Not always easiest at the time - but well worth it in the end.  This is what I am personally trying to figure out currently.  My life is not one big lie, mind you - it is just not exactly lived for Me.  Where is the line?  What is being heathy and what is just being selfish?  This is the problem with pondering each and every aspect of your life.  Where does it end?  Will I turn into a self-loathing, yet the most selfish person on the face of the planet?  How do I keep the things I want to remain, and get rid of the things that are not truly mine?  Where is the road map for that kind of removal?  Is it possible to stay true to yourself and who you are - with the purging of unwanted chaos in your life?  Or are these the things that have in fact, made you who you are today?  But then again - when faced with the reality that maybe it hasn't necessarily been for You that you've been living; how do you know who's word is who's?  Who's thought is who's?  Who's morals are who's?  Who's passion is who's?

I long for a world of my own.  A world that has no hidden agenda's, no unspoken expecations, no disappointments, no wondering whether you are being true to yourself.  A world that I can be myself, and speak my mind, and be loved anyway.  A world that I will for the first time in my life be able to say "I am who I am".  I Am the Real Deal - I just have to wander around all of the extra bullshit to get to the true core of that deal.  I have to first trace each and every line, each and every thread of my being to then uncover the very fibers of this tapestry - Myself.  

Looking forward to meeting you.

New Philosophy - F%ck it!  What even really matters anyway?  This is not just another "whoa is me" rant, it's rather interesting.  At the end of the day...seriously, what it is that truly matters?  What are the things that are going to bring you joy, peace, laughter?  The things that may only be embraced but for a split second, but in deed define the absolute being that you are.  The traces of energy throughout your day, that come and go.  The most random things that keep a smile on your face pretty much for the entire day and you don't even know why.  The burst of adrenaline experienced by actually feeling what it is to have an actual thought of something of pure importance.  Not sweating the irrelevent little things, just saying 'meh' ...That odd but good feeling that comes with genuine and complete kindness, that you have no idea where it came from; certainly not within the depths of your soul, how could it?  It was there alright though, you have no idea why it has made you so happy to smile and be nice to the old man walking down the street.  Being just about breathless realizing that you have it so good, in spite of all your anxieties.  Whatever shit goes on, and however one choses to look at and recover from, is really all that matters anyway right?  You just can't describe it.  There are no words.  I compare it to a dream that you have.  You see glimpses of that dream, and it is right there on the tip of your conscious mind - but even if for just one brief second you try to focus on it - it is gone, never to be revealed again.  It can be there one second, and then gone in the next, and you never really know what it was, just have mere glimpses.  How strange for it to be there and then gone again so quickly.  That is how I can describe the feeling I get when faced with the sweetness of moods like this.  Although mostly fleeting, worth every damn minute of it.  Being able to determine the exact moments and events surrounding to bring me to this place would be to me, the answer to the meaning of life.  When feeling like this, there really is no way to be brought down or up for that matter.  It is just simple existence.  Harmony if you will.  A place in this giant thing we call the world.  And not even self-induced.  There is not enough weed in the free world to bring you to this state, consistently anyway.  But it is like that dream thing.  You don't want to sneak up on it, or scare it, or embrace it too hard or long, or else it may go away just as quick as it came. 

Bottom line:  It is not known to me how or why these moods come on; at this point I am not one to even care.  I just know that although fleeting, and unusual - I fucking love it man!!!!